Confessions of A Danfo Passenger (Read at your own peril): Written by Melting Heart

Honestly I tried my best not to laugh. I really tried. It was so hard ..I almost prayed for divine intervention especially because it wasn’t the guys fault. But face it! This is lagos and if you want/have to be a bus conductor, you cannot do it weighing 75kg at probably 14yrs of age with a waistline that screams 36 and counting . No. Seriously. And even if you manage to pull it off, forming the ‘don’ and trying to jump off the bus doesn’t do it for me at all. Infact for the whole world. Do us all a favour and plaster your chubby self to the door or the side of the bus.

My anticipated ebooks – “The life of a Lagos” whore and “Campus Affair” are available. Get Your Copies Now! And enjoy an in-depth view of real life happenings in our society – the bad and the ugly! It also serves as an eye opener.
To get copies, email: maduka_ekene@yahoo.com
Facebook- Bismark Ekenedilichukwu Benson

Before anyone decides to slit my wrist, I’m quite on the big side too so I’m speaking ‘brada to brada’. Hold your guns a lil. Lord knows from the bus stop I kept asking my colleagues, ‘is that our conductor?’ We laughed o. But the thing no funny when the guy con start to dey collect money. Passengers snorted in derision at him (please remind me to look up the word ‘derision’. It just seems apt [oh and apt too]).. Now the ace of spades was when the bus was almost at the final bus stop. Instead of our rolling bus balloon attachment ..oops I mean conductor.. To wait. He tried to get off the bus that was still in motion.

He slipped a lil..then steadied himself, trying to run with the bus and discovered in mid-run that it would take all of him..all his curves and all his edges..and that he’d have to give all of him to the still moving bus. It was a split second thingy.. He was struggling..I was trying not to laugh especially since it would turn sour if it were to end up badly… He struggled amidst insincere ‘sorry’ and sniggering from passengers.

When he finally made it and realised that his talent was no way like pocahontas’ , I had tears in my eyes and couldn’t help it. I screamed sorry while I burst out laughing uncontrollably. One passenger said, ‘its not good ooo’, and others echoed half heartedly. At my third reel of laughter.. Half the bus had tears.


Oghenekevbe Egume also known as “Melting heart”, works as a customer care representative in the bank. He is a foodie. He describes himself as ‘unseriously serious’.

Good Girl Gone Bad: Written By Anna Fina

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“I will stay a virgin till I marry”, same promise most girls make especially after listening to mum’s sermon on how dignified it is to save your virginity till your wedding night.

You were like a lion finally unleashed from its cage the moment you got an admission into the university. Mum came up with her usual sermon, you smiled, hugged her and told her not to worry; your legs would be closed till you tie the knot.

It all seemed facile till Victor came along; his hunky nature swept you off your feet and you found yourself falling for his charms.

Behind closed doors, he kissed you deeply, fondled with your perky oranges a little before you slapped him off and furiously walked away. ” I can’t lose my V-card yet”, you reminded yourself. At church, you cried and silently asked God for more self control.

You just graduated from been a fresher when you met Joseph. You really didn’t want to do it but your body was sending a different message and slowly, your cloths gave way.

In as much as you enjoyed every bit of the caressing, your conscience couldn’t stop pricking you; what happened to staying a virgin?
But then, you consoled yourself with the fact that your hymen was still in tact. All you had to do was to go for confession and do your penance.

As months gradually passed by, you kept meeting potential boyfriends and when questions like, “Can I come over?” is thrown at you, you just couldn’t resist the temptation to say “Yes”. After all, you are living alone.

Each visit came with a deep romance that required all the self control you had to prevent the key form unlocking the door. Gradually, “I can’t allow any guy touch me” changed to, “Its just romance, no sex”. You no longer felt guilty.

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In the midst of your friends, you didn’t feel like an alien when they blab about their sex escapades.

But then, it didn’t quench the jealously that lits up watching them use the latest phone, changing their hair style twice a month, living in posh apartments not to forget how classy they dressed.

Every evening, different cars pick them up and drop them off early the next morning. They said its business and you wondered what kind of business that could be.

” Stop these small small boys from tapping current abeg. What do you gain from it? Just internet subscription and a plate of food in one yeye eatry”…
“Married men are better jaree; they know exactly what they want. A night with you and your bank account gets credited”, another chipped in.
You laughed; shagging another woman’s husband was the last thing you would ever do.

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But friends can be such an influence after all. Jokingly, they convinced you to give it a try and a night with Mr. Femi, you went back home 200k richer. The joy was so overwhelming that it took over your guilty conscience.

Little by little, you joined the game. All you had to do was fake moans, open your legs and your account balance increases.

Now you are standing before the mirror starring at your pretty image, wondering how your morals which you held so tight slowly went down the drain.

Behind the runs girl who stood staring at you was a girl who vowed to keep her legs closed.
Who would believe you came into the institution oozing with so much innocence?


Anna Fina studied Law at the prestigious Ebonyi State University, Abakiliki. She loves to write. She can be reached on facebook via her name – Anna Fina

FACE OF THE CAVE FOR THE WEEK (APPRECIATION OF BEAUTY AND EXCELLENCE)

Meet this week’s eye candies, the beautiful faces of the cave!


Name: Kelvin Ebinum
School: UniPort


Field: Industrial Chemistry
Likes/hobbies: Reading, Studying, Life itself, Watching TV


Dislikes: dishonesty
Favourite quote: “Happiness is contagious. It’s a choice.”

My anticipated ebooks – “The life of a Lagos” whore and “Campus Affair” are available. Get Your Copies Now! And enjoy an in-depth view of real life happenings in our society – the bad and the ugly! It also serves as an eye opener.
To get copies, email: maduka_ekene@yahoo.com
Facebook- Bismark Ekenedilichukwu Benson


Name: Akinsola Mary’Cathryn Olubusayo
State: Ondo
School: Lautech


Field: Chemistry
Likes. God, Silence, Patience and Honesty
Dislikes: Lies, pretence and bullying


Favourite Quote: “God never leaves a job half done.”
Contact: Twitter: @mz_ladygunner, Instagram: Mary’cathryn_mzladygunner

To qualify for the next Face of the cave series
*Have your profile be a clear face shot.
*Give a brief description of yourself and please make sure to include your likes, dislikes and hobbies.
*Submit them to the chatterbox team within four days from now via bbm pin- 2898fd68 or inbox Bismark Ekenedilichukwu Benson on Facebook.

Cheers to the new Face of the cave!

Share your thoughts on this week’s faces in the comment box.
We’d also love for you to stay in touch with us! The best way to keep up to date is to subscribe to Bismark’s Cave. You can do this by tapping the ‘follow’ option.

Bleaching – The New Toning!

The desire to look extremely good and slay is normal. Every lady wants to be considered extremely attractive. I’m sure you would love to be the reason why a pedestrian fell into the gutter as you walked along the street or two cars collided because of your glitter; you would love your presence to cause ripple effects everywhere you go. It is a good feeling.

However, the routines most female undergo to look beautiful and have the ideal skin is mind boggling – Pills, chemicals, what have you…
If it is man you are looking for my sister, I’m sure that most men will flee immediately they notice that you altered your natural features. You may not be taken seriously by any sane individual because if you can inflict bodily damage on yourself; if you can do a bobrisky-ish transformation on your skin, you may be considered capable of anything!

My anticipated ebooks – “The life of a Lagos” whore and “Campus Affair” are available. Get Your Copies Now! And enjoy an in-depth view of real life happenings in our society – the bad and the ugly! It also serves as an eye opener.
To get copies, email: maduka_ekene@yahoo.com
Facebook- Bismark Ekenedilichukwu Benson

Today, there are so many whitening creams now disguised as safe moisturisers and skin toners that many Nigerian ladies have become so obsessed with.
The crazy thing about these skin products is that, you may not realize how ‘changed’ you look. The transformation process is deceptive.
Well, to the bleached person, their skin tone is on fleek! Some will call it “toning”, even when they are 10 shades lighter than they once were. Lol..In my Fela singing voice – ” you dey bleach o, u dey bleach…”

When you go from dark skin to ‘bobrisky-ish’ high yellow; people are not blind to the metamorphosis you’re undergoing. Nigerians may laugh at you in secret and still praise you, “ah, your cream is fire! You dey shine o…orente!” And because you want/love to be fair, you gan will be thinking you haff fine scatter; until you become Michael jackson the second.

The other day, I was looking at one lady seated beside me in a vehicle.
Those multiple varicose veins on her legs were green and visible beneath her fragile looking skin, they looked like telephone wire; due to skin thinning caused by bleach creams. It was not a good look at all.

Dissatisfied With Your Partner? Ways To Get Through It: Co-Written by 3 ladies – Chinelo, Lydia and Mabel

Few days ago, I put this in my status on Facebook –

“You will definitely come to that point where you feel like someone else OTHER THAN your boo, would have been more suitable for you…It is okay and normal!”

However deep or real this update sounded; honestly, l had no answers or solution to this situation which is very capable of causing couple break ups. Let’s read what these 3 divas have to say about getting through this rough phase.

Mrs Chinelo Iriele
It crosses the mind of every married person occasionally, that they might have fared better with an ex than their spouses.
Especially when we have quarrels with our spouses. As well as when we hear that our wud-hv-been gets married. We always want to see if they are doing better than us – If his wife is prettier or looks more happier. Unlike our male counterparts who always go back and try to have a last taste. We may think they would have been a better choice but really it’s all wishful thinking. The truth we should always know is that, we can always guess and fantasize but we will never know the truth.
The truth is that no one can be said to be better except we try them and see. Most times what we think is perfection is actually smoke screens.
I always tell young girls getting married, Social media has given us the wrong impression of a perfect marriage; that unless you and your spouse celebrate each other everyday on all social network platforms, you guys aren’t in love and that’s wrong.
We might see our ex and the wife use each other as MCM or WCW, and we’d think we would have been better with an ex that celebrates us, because hubby doesn’t do so on social media. But I always remind myself to “be content and always remember it could have been worse”.

>Chinelo Iriele is a graduate of LASU.
She is easy going, fun-loving, witty and smart. She is also easy to please.

Lydia Chidiebere Idam
Loving someone romantically, contrary to the age long belief that its blind is actually not, but a decision or choice, call it whatyou want. You either choose to stay with someone or you decide amongst many around you who is most fit to be in your space or bed. Either way its something you do with arms of information.
Romantic love is not unconditional as over half of the times there’s always the primary factor that caused the attraction which led up to the romance. Which is why I’m very against youngsters and young adults being in romantic relationships because I feel at that level they are hardly aware what path of life they want to take not to mention the kind of person they’d want to be committed to romantically as that has a lot of role to play in how far they’d go in life.
Reading so much of “mills and boom” while growing up has a way of painting a false image in your head that you grow up looking for fantasy where none exists. You can leave the fantasies for the writers with their over active imagination, they need to sell their books. This is real life situation and it’s always stark contrast to what you read in the pages of a romantic novel.

Being in a relationship with someone doesn’t in anyway suggest you wouldn’t see more dope people than your partner; more intelligent, rich, good-looking, spiritual, etcetera. If anything the temptation to see better people appeal to you are usually on the rise the moment you get committed to someone. It’s normal to see those. However, the basic thing that keeps you strong and unwavering in your commitment to your partner is LOYALTY.

I’ve maintained oftentimes that cheating on your partner doesn’t necessarily have to be in bed with someone else but when you start putting someone unduly above your partner, both in communication and association. It’s wrong and its more than fertile a ground to grow confusion.

As long as you remain committed to the person you chose that fulfils you the chances of being caught in the web of thinking someone is better than your partner is zero. For starters, why will you even give someone else that much space to the point you consider them better? That’s except if you’re not happy where you are. Then do the needful if that’s the case- end the relationship not because you’re catching feelings elsewhere but because it’s what you want, then give yourself time to heal before doing someone else.

There might be exceptions notwithstanding. Perhaps you notice it like a jazz😉😂… You can do any of the following:

– Focus on all the good things your partner has done for you, the best times you’ve spent together, see him/her as d best thing that has happened to you.
-Block the person off your mind.
-Focus on your relationship more.
-Communicate more often.
-Spend more quality time together.
– Why are you attracted to this person and what makes him/her seem better than your current partner? Answer the question sincerely and if there’s a tinge of selfishness you know what to do.
-Appreciate the other more. Etc.

All these are to be done to remind yourself why you chose your partner and while you still want them. The grass always look greener on the other side… but is it always green? The person you adjudged better has weaknesses you’ve not confirmed yet and isn’t sure you’d handle.

So until you’ve enough cogent reason to leave your relationship, don’t because you’re catching feelings for someone else who for the much you know isn’t more than a page of a 400 page textbook. The devil you know is better than the angel you do not know might be true here. And leaving the devil to follow a Supposed angel, no matter how we colour it is an act of betrayal. I wouldn’t want to be treated that way. You too I’m sure.

>Lydia Chidiebere Idam works as a customer care agent. She also does freelance writing occasionally. You can reach and connect with her on Facebook by searching her full names.

Mabel Amusa
There will be someone other than your boo whom you’ll get attracted to and wish you had met them first.
It is/will be out of your control.
In fact don’t tell me that you have never had a crush on someone other than your boo because if you do, you’re telling me that nature doesn’t play tricks on you sometimes and I can only see you as being “PRETENTIOUS”.
Maybe you started noticing someone else who has a good sense of humour and probably all the package put together of the kind of person you want a relationship with, I tell you it will be wrong to approach such person because just as your feelings for your boo is beginning to fade it will absolutely get to a point where all this feelings you have for this other person will automatically fade.
Persevere! Spice things up! Think about all the good times you have had with her, think of all the good things she has done for you, think of how you guys met, what was the attraction, just think about the good times. If something is missing, communicate your feelings.
This will somehow rekindle the fire.
You see, I am saying these based my personal experience. I know what I went through because I dated someone who never really appreciated my qualities until he finally lost me.
A man or woman that is not disciplined is like a stray cow that can only be stopped when it comes in contact with a strong fence. Being disciplined also means being satisfied…
So many men have lost their perfect mate due to indecision and lack of determination also impatience..
Ladies and gentle men please let us be content. Apply self-control. Don’t be quick to end that relationship because of the side chick who is like your aphrodisiac.
Even if you probably had sex with your side chick and maybe she gave you all the moves or he gave you all the sexual moves your boo never gave you, please never allow it cloud your sense of judgement because this sex thing has a way of changing someone’s mind especially when its a good one.
Be disciplined. What looks appealing may not be all that appealing but a facade, hell in disguise. Stick to your boo, fight the odds, be determined to make it work, be considerate about each other’s feelings, decide to always live him/her no matter what! It will strengthen the bond.

>Mabel Amusa is a singer and instrumentalist. She is simple and disciplined. When she is not singing with her crew, she does makeovers.

Truer words have never been spoken!

FACE OF THE CAVE FOR THE WEEK (APPRECIATION OF BEAUTY AND EXCELLENCE)

The face of the cave series is where we showcase the best looking faces and their impressive achievements.

When you’re a doctor and good looking; it’s double threat! Lol
George had been an unknown pal on my social network account (facebook) for a long time, before we met at an unexpected place – NYSC camp ground! That was few years back. I recognised the face that night at mammi market and approached him. I remember it was a great pleasure for us!
He is cool, calculated and his fashion sense is top notch. He is the man of the week!

My anticipated ebooks – “The life of a Lagos” whore and “Campus Affair” are available. Get Your Copies Now! And enjoy an in-depth view of real life happenings in our society – the bad and the ugly! It also serves as an eye opener.
To get copies, email: maduka_ekene@yahoo.com
Facebook- Bismark Ekenedilichukwu Benson

Onyinye is extremely beautiful, inside out. I’ve known her for a while and she always radiates warmth and positivity. To crown it all, she is a Civil Engineer! A pretty one. For that, she has earned this spot.
Meet them!


Name: Osunkwo Uzoma George
State: Imo state


Profession: Optometrist (Imsu graduate)
Likes: learning new things and making new friends


Dislikes: pride and arrogance
Favourite quote: “A tree does not make a forest”


Contact- Uzoma George Osunkwo (Facebook)


Name- Madueke Victory Onyinyechi
State: Enugu


School- University of Nigeria
Field: Civil Engineering


Likes: writing/reading, singing, trying new recipes daily, making & styling people’s hair and outfit. Strolling with friends, love people who can bring me some challenge, love people with good sense of humour.


Dislikes: I hate awkwardness and all of its packages, selfishness, cowardice, Pretentious People , stealing.
Favourite Quote- “I destroy my enemies when i make them my friends.”


Contact: Phone Number-08148394446

To qualify for the next Face of the cave series
*Have your profile be a clear face shot.
*Give a brief description of yourself and please make sure to include your likes, dislikes and hobbies.
*Submit them to the chatterbox team within four days from now via bbm pin- 2898fd68 or inbox Bismark Ekenedilichukwu Benson on Facebook.

Cheers to the new Face of the cave!

Share your thoughts on this week’s faces in the comment box.
We’d also love for you to stay in touch with us! The best way to keep up to date is to subscribe to Bismark’s Cave. You can do this by tapping the ‘follow’ option.

Quote for the week-
“An investment in knowledge pays the best interest.” – Benjamin Franklin

How I Got My Girl – By Michael Okoye

Today, I prepared for church with my earphone plugged, sorry, glued to my ears. You see, my younger brother shared a song performed by Nigerian artistes which didn’t contain lyrics like ‘the way you dey whine that thing..’ and stuff. I found it quite refreshing. I’ve been listening to it ever since.

I don’t usually take my phone with me to church. I find it distracting and a tad bit disrespectful. But with bad gang playing, I unconsciously took it along, my earpiece still hugging my ears. That was the first time it occurred to me that the Lord was with me.

I arrived church very early for Sunday school (I don’t joke with it) and took my seat behind one pretty damsel like that. Through out the teaching, I didn’t notice her until she was asked to read a passage from the bible. She stood up. My world fell apart.

Confronting my view with all its pride and haughtiness, stood this wonderfully constructed waist. Now I’m not a waist crazy guy. I’m more of an Iruka guy. But this one was beyond me. I pleaded the blood several times but the waist gained an upper mind. Her front issues were okay too. Normally, I’d do the sign of the cross and instead concentrate on the wondrous work of Calvary. Not this time. I resolved to ask for her number when the Sunday school was over.

It seemed as though someone communicated my evil intentions because when the class was dismissed, she started walking very fast like a whore in a dark alley. That’s how she sped to her seat and left a brother to wallow in sorrow. I sat a respectable distance from her. I observed her. She seemed like those double-edged sisters that’d pray down the holy Ghost while sucking your dick. I looked down at my
phone and smiled. Today is not the day I fuck up, I para phrased Syrio Forel from Game of Thrones.

Service ended but the head pastor wanted an audience with the youths. I form James bond and waited outside the auditorium for them to finish so I could fish out my target. They concluded. The youths began trooping out. I didn’t see her. I began to panic. Had she left without me knowing? My eyesight isn’t very good (I’m short-sighted) but I could pick out that ass in a crowd of fat Japanese sumo wrestlers.

I entered the church. I saw her. I was happy. I trudged towards her but there was a stumbling block. A missile sent from my village in the form of a brother chatting her up. Chei! Wahala. I took a seat two rows from her and watched. The idiot was trying to impersonate Basketmouth as he cracked unfunny jokes.

I’m as civil and gentle as they come. I’d have left them to finish up and then proceed with my ass-winning mission.
Fuck that.
I couldn’t wait anymore. I got up and sat beside her.
‘Sorry, I need your number’
Slight pause.
‘errm, my number? Okay’
I handed her my phone and she started to type in her digits. To douse the awkwardness, I spoke :
‘My name’s Michael, yours? ‘
‘ Damilare ‘
Meanwhile the poor sod turned his face away, if he had met my gaze, I’m sorry, I don’t think I’d be alive to narrate this story.

That was the sum total of our dialogue and I walked away, ever so swaggerliciously. Dramatic music playing in the background and all that. I felt a pinch of pity for that lad.
Overtaking is allowed biko.

A RANT ABOUT BABIES DEATHS IN NIGERIA by Nola Solomon

It bothers me that in most cases, when a baby who is presumed healthy dies in sleep in Nigeria, the baby is immediately buried without being taken to hospital for an autopsy. It’s worrying that the government is not putting strategies in place to encourage bereaved families to present for autopsy their dead children. It further bothers me that such deaths are unofficially ruled as ju ju, ogbanje caused deaths. In most cases, old women are accused of remote controlled murders.

I’m wondering why nobody is speaking to new parents about Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) or Cot Death. This is the sudden death of an otherwise well baby in sleep. Although there are no absolute preventive measures to protect babies from SIDS, it is absolutely vital to educate new parents on the risk factors.

I despair when I see babies completely wrapped up in winter clothing in a hot country like Nigeria. Why are midwives telling new mums that warm clothes prevent pneumonia, and not bother to warn them about the link between overheating and SIDS? Are new parents told that babies expel heat from the scalp due to underdeveloped sweat pores? Do parents know that covering a baby’s head in sleep increases the risk of SIDS? What about other risk factors like bed sharing etc?

Lastly, why is the Federal Ministry of Health not acknowledging my request to educate new parents FREE OF CHARGE? Why are they not paying attention to SIDS in the first place? Anyway, I’ll do whatever it takes to educate as many new parents as I can.


Nola Solomon, the brain child of “According to An Ethnic Nurse”. A page about correlating public health with beliefs, cultural practices and science. https://m.facebook.com/According-to-an-Ethnic-Nurse-1669908843256402/

FACE OF THE CAVE FOR THE WEEK (APPRECIATION OF BEAUTY AND EXCELLENCE)

Hi people!
Meet this week’s cuties!
She is dark and lovely and He is all smiles…


Name: Okafor Ugochi Winnie.
State: Imo
School: University of Uyo, Uyo.


Course- English and literature
Hobbies: Reading, writing, watching movies, and the most important, sleeping.
Likes: travelling by road/land, cleaning (love, love doing this!), attending art exhibitions, taking pictures of natural things


Dislikes: cooking and ‘loud’ people
Contact: winksypop@gmail.com, 09095984150
Favourite Quote: With God, all things are possible -Bible


Name: Edi Ifeanyi
State : Imo
Profession: Medical Radiographer


Likes: Humility, Good human Intelligence
Dislikes : Pride.
Favourite quote : A burning candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.


Contact: Facebook: Edi selmo Ifeanyi, Email:ediifeanyi@gmail.com

To qualify for the next Face of the cave series
*Have your profile be a clear face shot.
*Give a brief description of yourself and please make sure to include your likes, dislikes and hobbies.
*Submit them to the chatterbox team within four days from now via bbm pin- 2898fd68 or inbox Bismark Ekenedilichukwu Benson on Facebook.

Cheers to the new Face of the cave!

Share your thoughts on this week’s faces in the comment box.
We’d also love for you to stay in touch with us! The best way to keep up to date is to subscribe to Bismark’s cave. You can do this by tapping the ‘follow’ option.