Immediately the clock struck 12 midnight, every witch in the country had to be present for the Annual Witches Meeting.
On this very day, all witches in the 36 states of Nigeria would converge at their headquarters. The new recruits would travel to the venue on broomsticks, the senior witches would fly in form of bats and vultures, while the grand witches, the ‘mamas’ who’ve been in the game for centuries simply teleport themselves to the coven, inside the biggest Iroko tree in Benin city.
It’s the 2015 Nigerian Witches Conference (NWC). The witches who were assigned different tasks last year were expected to deliver reports. Those who failed their mission usually lose their lives. They’ll be tied to a stake and burnt to ashes, while the witches who were able to achieve measurable success will be promoted to the next rank.
After reciting the witches creed and chants, the Queen Mother of all witches performed rituals and feasted on the raw flesh and blood of captives, mainly married cheating men and randy guys, the ones they seduce and lure to bed on earth. The Queen Mother dug her claws in the chest of one of the captives, pulled out his heart and munched it hungrily, while his intestines and organs were devoured as well.
It was time for each witch to give reports on her assignment on earth.
‘Krisna!….Have you accomplished your mission on earth?’ The old mother witch barked, displaying her blood stained fangs. ‘How did you succeed in making Rotimi Amaechi the most hated scumbag of Nigerian politics?’ “Ah! Very Simple Ma! I ate his brains your majesty…oh it was so yummy! Kikikikiki… It tasted like roasted yam and palm oil!” Krisna jumped up in excitement as she recounted how she succeeded in making Rotimi Amaechi a complete moron….Other witches roared with laughter as they fell over themselves, while cheering Krisna for a job well done.
‘Next, Zaxu, Tell us what you did with your victim Mrs Diezani Alison-Madueke, the ex-oil minister’ The Queen Mother asked. “Queen mother! All I had to do was squeeze out every functionality in her brain. Instantly she became a renowned fashionista without brains! She’ll always change her wardrobe with money that would have benefited millions of underprivileged, poverty stricken Nigerian kids. And then she met her waterloo after stealing public fund to buy a house in London, thinking it was business as usual. It was my making ma!” ‘Excellent! Bravo! You’ve been promoted!’ Screamed the Queen Mother.
“Why is Babatunde Raji Fashola still clean and scandal free?”…The queen mother asked kwazu. Kwazu replied, “He’s strong willed ma! I tried my best but he’s just impossible. I need more time to break him, ma!…” ‘Shut up you demented lazy idiot! I gave you every power you needed…Get her burnt sisters’ The queen mother cut in sharply.
‘Karishika the temptress, what was your mission again?’ Karashika strokes her Brazilian hair seductively, before speaking. “Queen mother… I was sent to hypnotize Nnamdi Kalu the self proclaimed Biafra Movement leader! I’m the reason he’s been barking like a rabid dog all this while on radio. I’m the reason he’s been acting like a radical fool! Making senseless utterances at every one who cared to listen, while threatening the Nigerian Government, on his failed quest for the Biafran state. Queen mother, he’s been arrested anyway, I did it!…Remember I’m karishika, the invincible temptress! I pinned him down on bed and hypnotised him at the hotel room where he was arrested. I made all of it possible. Hahahaha! Such a gullible fool rotting in jail…i ate his heart out! He’ll soon be gone.” At the end of her speech, she was given a standing ovation.
‘And Sai Buhari?’ The Queen mother asked Vuvula, the Confusionist “Ma, I remote control him at my convenience. Each time I press his brain buttons, He becomes unstable and insensitive to the plight of the Millions of Nigerians who voted him.” ‘Good job Vuvula!’
“We are making progress…we’ve made these pot bellied, ugly, old, clueless, politicians a bunch of fools, liars, greedy, embarrassment to our country and objects of caricature. Hahahahaha! Daughters of darkness! Queens of the night! Nigeria is in our hands as long as the brains of these men are in our hands! The night is still young sisters! Be merry! Dance to the music of the night! Hahahahaha!”The Queen Mother declared with a shrill voice. All witches staggered wildly in the coven and roared with laughter, while fanning themselves with pictures of naija politicians…