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TYPICAL NIGERIAN WEDDING -Written by Akhigbe Samson

This is what happens at EVERY Wedding reception in Nigeria.

The MC will pick up the mic, he will scream: ‘Say Neighbour!! Neighbour booor, Neighboooooour’ and something like that. If the MC is a member of CAC church or GOFAMINT or NASFAT or ANSARUDEEN, he will use curses to get you to respond to him. His curses will definitely be in Yoruba. It doesn’t matter if the couple is from Haiti. He will say “if you want to see the end of the year, shout halleluyah”. ” Clap the amount of years you want to spend on earth.”

Nigerians respond well to curses.

After the usual dance by the old parents, the DJ will perform the same stupid songs the couple have been listening to since 19taytay. Different dances and fake smiles. The gehs on the train will be competing with the Photographer to capture the moment. I will talk about the bridesmaids later (those gehs are!!)

Let’s skip to the part where the cake is to be cut. They line up blah blah blah, the chairman in his over priced agbada will lie to the crowd that he has chaired 500 weddings in 2years. #We_Know. Then they count J.E.S.U.S or 1,2,3… Fireworks, confetti and the DJ remembers that he’s supposed to play something. DJ will definitely play Skiborobo Skibo.

Oh!!! I didn’t mention that somewhere at the back of the hall, the caterer is battling with demonic women. Women who have vowed to make the life of the caterers and vendors miserable. The #YorubaDemons are busy bribing the Drinks’ servers to divert the best liquor to their tables. Somewhere in the crowd, an Igbo woman is diverting the Can Malt into her bag.

When the MC invites the single ladies to come forward to catch the bouquet… Problems will start. It takes an average of 45 minutes to get them to come forward. Now the MC will beg the bride to give him the names of her miserable unmarried friends. After much begging and subtle curses, they will come forward. The geh that catches the bouquet will immediately put it on Instagram.

At this point, the mother of the groom will remember that her Age Grade or ‘Meeting’ wants to present a village song. The bride will be embarrassed on his behalf and pretend to love her mother in-law like
Jollof Rice. The part I like most is when they are spraying money. The couple will select carefully the person that will pick for them. This is the part where some of the wedding ceremony funds will be recovered.

The reason I know all these is because I compere these weddings.


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