Honestly I tried my best not to laugh. I really tried. It was so hard ..I almost prayed for divine intervention especially because it wasn’t the guys fault. But face it! This is lagos and if you want/have to be a bus conductor, you cannot do it weighing 75kg at probably 14yrs of age with a waistline that screams 36 and counting . No. Seriously. And even if you manage to pull it off, forming the ‘don’ and trying to jump off the bus doesn’t do it for me at all. Infact for the whole world. Do us all a favour and plaster your chubby self to the door or the side of the bus.
Before anyone decides to slit my wrist, I’m quite on the big side too so I’m speaking ‘brada to brada’. Hold your guns a lil. Lord knows from the bus stop I kept asking my colleagues, ‘is that our conductor?’ We laughed o. But the thing no funny when the guy con start to dey collect money. Passengers snorted in derision at him (please remind me to look up the word ‘derision’. It just seems apt [oh and apt too]).. Now the ace of spades was when the bus was almost at the final bus stop. Instead of our rolling bus balloon attachment ..oops I mean conductor.. To wait. He tried to get off the bus that was still in motion.
He slipped a lil..then steadied himself, trying to run with the bus and discovered in mid-run that it would take all of him..all his curves and all his edges..and that he’d have to give all of him to the still moving bus. It was a split second thingy.. He was struggling..I was trying not to laugh especially since it would turn sour if it were to end up badly… He struggled amidst insincere ‘sorry’ and sniggering from passengers.
When he finally made it and realised that his talent was no way like pocahontas’ , I had tears in my eyes and couldn’t help it. I screamed sorry while I burst out laughing uncontrollably. One passenger said, ‘its not good ooo’, and others echoed half heartedly. At my third reel of laughter.. Half the bus had tears.
Oghenekevbe Egume also known as “Melting heart”, works as a customer care representative in the bank. He is a foodie. He describes himself as ‘unseriously serious’.