Dear future wife,
I hope this letter meets you slaying and making boss moves. I’m writing this for the sake of our daughter. Please note that we’ll make it a priority to always know the boys our daughter is crushing on from the moment she turns 13.
And when she eventually starts seeing boys, she’ll be free to bring them over to the house so we can see their faces and know who she’s going around with. (And also so I’ll know who I’m gonna fuck up if anything happens to our baby) I won’t be one of those naive parents who just sit and create a fantasy world in their heads where their teenage daughters remain virgins forever, don’t like boys, aren’t lesbians either and don’t experience teenage hormones.
The truth is, teenager girls will explore their sexuality. They just started feeling these strange hormones, exciting body language and overwhelming attention from the opposite sex that they’re not used to. The curiosity of their age will drive them to explore these things whether their parents approve or not. They even do it more when the parents are strict. They just develop better ways to hide it from them.
You remember how it used to be right? You probably did that too.
I’ve noticed that teenage pregnancies occur more with overly strict parents than with parents who level up with their kids. So honey, our daughter will be our best friend. We’ll make her comfortable enough to talk to mummy and daddy about anything and everything. Especially boys. I mean, who’s in a better position to advice her on matters relating to teenage boys than someone who was once a teenage boy himself and someone who used to like teenage boys.
We’ll talk to her about relationships, consent, safe sex, contraceptives and how to deal with the overwhelming attention teenage girls get from the opposite sex. (I’m not letting some dumb ass boy give my daughter sex education while I’m alive. No ma’am!)
She can have a boyfriend, but absolutely no dating outside her age bracket. Her boyfriend must either be the same age or not more than a year older than she is; until she’s 18.
It’s easier for a teenage girl to turn down unhealthy sexual advances she’s not comfortable with from a fellow teenager than an adult.
“He says he’ll just put in only the tip and won’t move? He’s lying to you baby”.
“He says you need to have sex with him to prove that you love him? Never have sex with anyone out of obligation princess”.
“He says condoms aren’t cool? Honey, tell that boy to go practice his pull out game in the bathroom with a bar of soap”.
“He says he’s not dating his age mate because he wants to marry a virgin? Sweetie, he has an older girlfriend he’s in a serious relationship with”.
“Oh, that uncle is always calling you ‘my wife’ or ‘fine girl’ whenever you’re passing by? Don’t worry baby, daddy’s gonna have a little chat with him”.
(I’ll probably chop off his dick and feed it to my cat while I’m at it).
See honey, I want to be that cool parent my kids will look at and not see only a father but also a friend. Because teenagers are rebellious are hell. I know. I used to be one.
You’ll guide and protect a teenager better when they see you as a friend and ally than an authority figure or an enemy. Are you with me on this honey?
And don’t worry, I can totally do this on my own if your church won’t let you be great. (Just in case you’re one of those very pious religious women LOL).
Besides, I don’t believe in gender roles when it comes to parenting.
With love and unapologetic candor,
Your loving husband, Jude.