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Suffer Head Africans – by Eze Drizzy Jude

When I was a child, I thought women were fire resistant. Like, I didn’t believe fire could actually hurt women.

Don’t laugh at me yet, let me explain.
I used to see my grandma carry earthenware pots from the smouldering hearth with her bare hands without filching.
She’d carry them from her thatched kitchen all the way to her room where she’d tuck them safely under the bed; with a straight face.

It was such a marvel watching her do that. I thought she had some special super human powers. All of my father’s step mothers were the same. One of my older cousins in the village then expressly told me that any woman who couldn’t carry a pot of soup from the fire with her bare hands, isn’t a real woman.
Apparently, that was a thing for them over there. Wow! Grandma must have been a real bad-ass woman.
Now you understand my delusion.

Even today, our definitions of ‘a real woman’ hasn’t changed very much.
It may have digressed to ‘wife material’, but it’s still basically the same old shit.

First and foremost, you must have a husband.
If you don’t have a husband, please don’t speak in public. Your opinion doesn’t count. Marriage is the only thing that gives a woman sense or an opinion.
Seriously are you even a woman without a man?
Ugwû nwanyi bu di ya.

Cooking.
Because ‘The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach’. (This makes absolutely no sense to me, but it’s what our elders say so it must be right).
You get extra points of you can pound yam. Even if a machine is invented that helps people pound yam, please endeavour not to use it.
Try grinding your pepper the old fashion way too; with grinding stone. Inugo?

Washing.
I mean hand washing o!
Not all these baby girls that use washing machine. They’re not real women.

Cleaning.
Mbok, use your hands to scrub and local broom to sweep. Don’t go and be wasting your husband’s money on vacuum cleaners.

Child birth (especially to male offspring).
Woman that gives birth to only women is that one a woman?
If you can’t give birth at all, you’re as good as a man with a vagina.

Submissiveness.
The man is always the head and you’re the neck. Never dispute that.
You get more points if you remain in an abusive marriage.
And more extra points of ‘real womanness’ if your husband doesn’t have sense and his self esteem is the same size as his scrotum sack.

Be a god fearing woman.
This one doesn’t make sense to me too.
But I know it involves staying with and praying for a philandering husband because god hates divorce. It also involves watching War Room and some other religious bullshit that I couldn’t be bothered about.

Giving birth like the Hebrew women.
LOL (this one never ceases to amuse me).
It doesn’t matter if there are complications and you’re at risk of loosing your life and that of your baby. CS is not your portion in Jesus name!
No real woman gives birth through CS.
Apparently African marriages and life in general is designed for women to just go and suffer and die. So my dear women, suck it up and be ‘real women’.

Your grand mothers carried hot smouldering pots of soup with their bare hands and you’re here complaining on top ordinary slap and nwantinti cheating. Tueh!
Oh Africa, suffering is our pride.
I’ll keep saying it; The African woman is the strongest breed of humans on earth.

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