“And the best music video award goes to…blah, blah!”
Everyone applauds, as the award winning artiste walks to the stage with the nape of his trousers struggling for dear life; barely clinging to his butt. He has a bounce to his step.
After all, he had just been awarded for producing the coolest music video of the year.
Upcoming artistes, you want this to be your story this year? Then memorise these quick and dirty music video tips from me to you. Don’t thank me; Christmas is still in the air isn’t it?
A red Porsche must drive into a street, slowly. Its wheels must be spinning backwards—anti clockwise, and throwing golden sparkles all over the place. The tires, somehow, would be bouncing too; in rhythm with a hip beat which plays at the background.
People living in the area must leave off their activities, and stare at the car…open-mouthed. In seconds, the street should be full of life—people looking and pointing at this red Porsche.
The hip beat must keep on playing “Tom, tom, tom…” The car should finally stop at the center of the street. One of its doors should slide open; upwards please, and the first thing that must appear is a bright red sneaker.
This sneaker must move slowly before it touches the floor. It should be followed by sagging white trousers, a baggy red shirt—upon which hangs a long gold-chain that also throws sparkles all over the place. Then the face of a man— your face, with a cigar between your lips and shades covering your eyes, should appear eventually.
The first thing you must say is “Baddest!” then back-up instrumentals should follow, as the song starts.
Girls must appear from nowhere; putting on tiny show-me- your-navel bustiers and bikini shorts, shaking what their mamas gave them. And somehow, the street people must turn out to be professional dancers too. Some should be pros in break-dancing, others, masters of the latest street dance styles.
You—the artiste, must walk around the street singing—sorry croaking “I’m the baddest in the building…” accompanied by four other dudes dressed in similar outfits, but different colours of sneakers and baggy shirts.
A round of butt shaking and stunts must also follow you everywhere you showed up at, in every scene, like MTN. Be careful to select only really endowed girls…they are the side attractions, please.
The video should finally come to an end when you replace the cigar into your mouth, and re-enter your red Porsche; together with your guys, and at least, two of the girls who had been twerking all over you.
Don’t forget to drive away, really slowly.
*Clarence Shot It* must be the goodbye note.
And there you have it…an award winning music video!